What (or Who) Was That Again?

As it turns out, I am not a day counter.  As in, I can't say, "Oh it's been X days since I used."  I understand how that's helpful to some people, I'm just not one of them.  I'm at about three or four months without using, and counting that way is just a-ok with me.  Not without some serious bumps in the road, though.  And I'd totally be lying if I said I didn't think of the sweet (yet temporary) relief that swallowing a handful of pills would provide.  But I'm at a point where I don't want to go back to the way things were, and I think that in itself is a big step.

The latest hurdle I've had to overcome is seizures and hallucinations.  Since I had neither before, I am significantly freaked out.  Since I never know when the seizures will come on, I'm no longer a reliable parent to my little ones.  I need someone with me almost all the time to monitor ME.  Add the hallucinations into the mix (which are always of the kids, getting into something they shouldn't be into), this is one wild ride I'd like to get the hell off of;

I don't know what to do anymore.  When it was just me and the pills at least I felt some semblance of control.  I stopped taking the pills.  It was hard, incredibly hard, but I did it.  Now my body is rising in revolt, kind of like it's saying, "Oh, you didn't think it would be THAT easy, now did you?"  It feels like I have nothing in control, and I hate that.

To Smoke or Not To Smoke?

It seems ridiculous to want an addiction to take the place of an addiction, but that's the predicament I'm in. Or rather, the one I've put myself in. I'm sure there are people out there who are strong enough to beat this thing without trading one for another, but as I find myself mowing down on a box of donuts without reason, I find that I'm probably not one of them. I also notice that there are smoke breaks at twelve-step meetings for a reason. I wonder why alcohol is considered a drug (under NA meeting standards) when nicotine, which just as addictive, is not. Still, I am toying with the idea of picking up the habit.

Before you pick up the phone to call me and/or send me literature in the mail about all the awful things that can happen to people who smoke, let me remind you that I used to, in fact, be a health teacher, and I do happen to know better. I'll also remind you that that didn't stop me from swallowing truckloads of Vicodin, so feel free to tell me whatever will assauge your own conscience.

Still, not smelling like an ashtray is more appealing to me than the potential drug-craving-curbing benefits. Fortunately, with advances in today's medicine, there are ways to get the "benefits" of smoking without the smoky aftertaste. Nicotine gum and lozenges are available for an exhorbanant fee. Still, the majority of NAers that I've spoken to that have gone this route have been happy with their choice. A few have cautioned me about the extreme addictive quality of nicotine... maybe the consensus is that nicotine is the lesser of two evils? Step One identifies this as a cross addiction. I guess the reason it's not as bad as the other substances (for most people) is that a "bad" addiction has to interfere with your daily living to be a problem, you have to be in danger of neglecting your children, etc. I know people that can't go more than an hour without a cigarette, which seems to qualify as interfering with daily living, but I think the qualifications are talking about something more extreme, like nodding out while driving, or leaving your kids unattended while you run to get more drugs.

I will be really honest with all of you, because you have always been so supportive of me. I have already started using nicotine lozenges over the past few weeks to help with drug cravings, and I feel like they really help. I realize this could be a dangerous precedent to set, but I'm not sure what else to do. I would really like everyone's feedback on this- and honest feedback, not just the whatever-you-think-is-best kind. Thanks.

"Instant Gratification, Much?"

Those that know me know that I have little to no patience when it comes to waiting for things sometimes. Christmas as a kid was the longest month ever, of course, but unlike most adults (but not unlike most addicts) I never grew out of it. That's not to say that anyone whose ever gotten frustrated at a red light is in danger of picking up a crack pipe, but it is one of the key personality traits that all addicts share... the need for instant gratification.

I wish I knew why this was. In addition to learning valuable insights about myself, I could make a fortune! :)

Seriously, something in the way an addict's brain is wired (or re-wired, or however you choose to think about it) makes it seek the easiest route to happiness, be damned the consequences. I mean, I'm a college-educated health teacher! If anyone knows the dangers of using drugs, it's me! So how did I get caught up in abusing my own prescription drugs, especially when I knew it was bad for me and wrong?

I'll tell you. It's pretty simple. It felt good. And it was the easiest way to feel good. I kept trying to improve my mood the right way, feel good, feel better- hell, just feel normal, like I thought life should feel like (I was aiming for anything above "dog shit" most days) and just not getting there. Finally, at the end, when I dared to take a few more pills than I knew was right.... wooooooosh. I got it. Life was fine- good even! That is, on the days (or hours) I wasn't falling asleep in the middle of a conversation or while changing a diaper. But then there were other times I felt like I had tons of energy, and I never wanted to sleep again, and I could finally DO all those things that I never had the energy to do before. It was awesome! Bills were filed, lists were made (and crossed off), areas organized. Again, good until I crashed in the middle of it all. Not to mention the stress it all put on my husband, who was in bed alone for the millionth night in a row wondering why in the hell I was color-coding our cell phone bills at 3am.

I am learning to settle for delayed gratification in my new, clean world now. To be honest, most days it really sucks. That's not to say that I'm in danger of relapsing or wanting to take pills all the time... it just means that it sucks having to wait to get what you want. But I'm learning to do it, one day at a time.

I am an addict. I know without a doubt now that I am. I can never take another painkiller again, no matter what the reason. What I almost lost is too precious to let hang in the balance again.



*Thanks to Kate from ITR for the title of this blog post :) Hang in there! One day, one minute, one second at a time!

30 Days and Counting...

I made it. Thirty days without pills. Wow.

I am feeling so much better. Who knew? :)

Now I think it's time to start on some service work. People have been so great about supporting me and my family in this time that we've needed them. Now that I'm starting to feel my legs underneath me, I think it's time to start giving back. The NA Basic Text and Just For Today both highlight service work to be a wide range of activities- anything from helping around the house, to helping a friend, to jobs in the community. Without going to fast, I feel like I'm ready to start on all three. I've been able to handle more chores around the house, from dishes and laundry to caring for the kids on my own without help. Yesterday a friend of mine was in a bind and needed a sitter for her little ones, and even though I wasn't sure how I would take care of five kids at once, I jumped in and said yes- not out of guilt, but because I truly wanted to help her like she had helped me, and I really felt I could. And the day went great! I was so proud of myself (and it doesn't hurt that her kids are fantastic). I've also started sending out resumes... I really think I'm ready to get back into the working world. I'd like to do something in the nonprofit sector, something where I can work with people that really need help. Of course, my family really needs me to go to work- we need the second income again- but I really think I'm ready, and that's a great feeling. My pain is well controlled, I'm not so worried about not being able to go to work because of it.

Part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm worried that something will happen to send me spiralling back. I have a good home support system, but I don't have a great NA support system, the kind with contacts and a sponsor yet. I'm still trying to get one. But I'm feeling better, and that's huge for my thirty day mark. I'm hopeful that this new year will be a good one for me and my family.

Cravings

Today was a hard day.

First of all, let me share that I made it through the day without using, which brings me to two weeks of clean time (insert encouraging shout of praise here). But today was by far one of the hardest days I've had since I quit taking the pills. I kept having cravings- not so much my body, but my mind was telling me I needed some pills.

At first, when I examined how I felt and realized I wasn't in a lot of extra pain, I wasn't sure what to do. I was confused. Why did I feel such an urgent need for pills if there was no more pain in my body than usual? So I thought about how I felt, which just confused me more until I went to the meeting tonight. Now that I've been to a meeting, shared how I felt, and the day is almost over- I feel so much better.

The way that I was feeling- the one that just confused me more- it was boredom. I felt bored. And I just didn't understand that until I went to the meeting tonight and someone shared his point of view with me. He said for however long you were using, you were chasing a high and now you have to learn to live without that. There's a hole there, the same hole that was likely there before you started using in the first place, and it's going to take some real work to get to the root of it and close it up.

Truer words never spoken.

But at first I balked. I mean, yeah, "bored" was the first feeling I came up with too, but how could I be bored? I have three children home with me all or at least most of the time, and a fourth we're trying to parent long-distance. My day is full of diaper changes, Thomas the Tank Engine, PBS kids, and sippy cups. How did I have time to be bored? But after that person shared about chasing the high and filling a hole, it all made sense.

Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to do about it.

Tip-toe Through the Twelve Steps

I'm reading the Basic Text and just finished the chapter about the Twelve Steps. In my humble opinion, there should be some sort of disclaimer at the beginning, like, "Could cause alarm" or "Be prepared to change your pants at multiple times." Or, at the very least, "You really CAN do this, other people have so it's reasonable to think you will too." It's so overwhelming when you read it all at once!

But I did read it and I started out on Step One. And I'm still on Step One.

I could be here for quite awhile.

Step One says, "We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable." The idea of admitting that I am powerless against something- I just can't do it (Am I powerless to admit that I am powerless? Hmm, something to think about...). In my heart, I know I can't control my use of certain pills, I could for awhile, but ultimately I just couldn't. It's the "I could for awhile" that keeps tripping me up. Also, using is a double-edged sword. I'm miserable when I use and miserable when I'm not. Granted, the miserable factor is decreasing (for the most part) now that it's been awhile since I've used. Some days the cravings are worse than ever, almost intolerable, and I just don't know what to do about them.

Gotta keep thinking about it.

Health Teacher and Pill-Popper?

This is going to come up eventually, so I might as well face it head on.

In what feels like a whole other lifetime ago, I was a middle school health teacher. I had colleagues, a principal, conferences to attend, lunch duty and most importantly- students.

Oh, how I loved those kids.

To be honest, they drove me crazy on a regular basis, but I loved that too (and let's face it- as a great person once said, crazy for me is not so much a drive as it is a short putt). Most teachers might tell you that the thing they teach for is to see that "a ha" moment- the look that comes over a kid's face when he realizes he's finally understood something. Those moments were great, of course, but what I lived for was the banter with the kids. The steady hum of conversation that middle schoolers are so famous for- that's what I loved to hear, and when I was privileged to be included in it, even better.

And even if it does sound a little like bragging, I don't mind saying that I was a pretty good teacher. Honest as much as I felt they could understand at their age, funny when I could be (which was usually most of the time), creative in my assignments and assessments and welcoming of criticism from my colleagues and (gulp) principal. I was even a nationally certified health education specialist. I had some alphabet soup after my name and everything.

So how the heck did I go from all of that to what I am now- a recovering addict and alcoholic? I can think of a few poignant life events that certainly contributed to the milieu, births and deaths and such but really- it was just me. My personality, my way of dealing with life (or lack of a way of dealing with life) when the stress got to be overwhelming, not using the coping skills that I had ironically taught for so many years. It was just me.

And now I have to give myself- and make myself take- more advice that I used to freely give to the kids. Get over it and move on. It's going to take awhile to do, but every day that goes past, I feel a little stronger, a little more resourceful, a little more sure that I can do it. I am deeply grateful for the people out there who continue to pray for me and send me encouraging messages. Some days it's exactly what I need to keep going. Thanks.