"Instant Gratification, Much?"

Those that know me know that I have little to no patience when it comes to waiting for things sometimes. Christmas as a kid was the longest month ever, of course, but unlike most adults (but not unlike most addicts) I never grew out of it. That's not to say that anyone whose ever gotten frustrated at a red light is in danger of picking up a crack pipe, but it is one of the key personality traits that all addicts share... the need for instant gratification.

I wish I knew why this was. In addition to learning valuable insights about myself, I could make a fortune! :)

Seriously, something in the way an addict's brain is wired (or re-wired, or however you choose to think about it) makes it seek the easiest route to happiness, be damned the consequences. I mean, I'm a college-educated health teacher! If anyone knows the dangers of using drugs, it's me! So how did I get caught up in abusing my own prescription drugs, especially when I knew it was bad for me and wrong?

I'll tell you. It's pretty simple. It felt good. And it was the easiest way to feel good. I kept trying to improve my mood the right way, feel good, feel better- hell, just feel normal, like I thought life should feel like (I was aiming for anything above "dog shit" most days) and just not getting there. Finally, at the end, when I dared to take a few more pills than I knew was right.... wooooooosh. I got it. Life was fine- good even! That is, on the days (or hours) I wasn't falling asleep in the middle of a conversation or while changing a diaper. But then there were other times I felt like I had tons of energy, and I never wanted to sleep again, and I could finally DO all those things that I never had the energy to do before. It was awesome! Bills were filed, lists were made (and crossed off), areas organized. Again, good until I crashed in the middle of it all. Not to mention the stress it all put on my husband, who was in bed alone for the millionth night in a row wondering why in the hell I was color-coding our cell phone bills at 3am.

I am learning to settle for delayed gratification in my new, clean world now. To be honest, most days it really sucks. That's not to say that I'm in danger of relapsing or wanting to take pills all the time... it just means that it sucks having to wait to get what you want. But I'm learning to do it, one day at a time.

I am an addict. I know without a doubt now that I am. I can never take another painkiller again, no matter what the reason. What I almost lost is too precious to let hang in the balance again.



*Thanks to Kate from ITR for the title of this blog post :) Hang in there! One day, one minute, one second at a time!