Health Teacher and Pill-Popper?

This is going to come up eventually, so I might as well face it head on.

In what feels like a whole other lifetime ago, I was a middle school health teacher. I had colleagues, a principal, conferences to attend, lunch duty and most importantly- students.

Oh, how I loved those kids.

To be honest, they drove me crazy on a regular basis, but I loved that too (and let's face it- as a great person once said, crazy for me is not so much a drive as it is a short putt). Most teachers might tell you that the thing they teach for is to see that "a ha" moment- the look that comes over a kid's face when he realizes he's finally understood something. Those moments were great, of course, but what I lived for was the banter with the kids. The steady hum of conversation that middle schoolers are so famous for- that's what I loved to hear, and when I was privileged to be included in it, even better.

And even if it does sound a little like bragging, I don't mind saying that I was a pretty good teacher. Honest as much as I felt they could understand at their age, funny when I could be (which was usually most of the time), creative in my assignments and assessments and welcoming of criticism from my colleagues and (gulp) principal. I was even a nationally certified health education specialist. I had some alphabet soup after my name and everything.

So how the heck did I go from all of that to what I am now- a recovering addict and alcoholic? I can think of a few poignant life events that certainly contributed to the milieu, births and deaths and such but really- it was just me. My personality, my way of dealing with life (or lack of a way of dealing with life) when the stress got to be overwhelming, not using the coping skills that I had ironically taught for so many years. It was just me.

And now I have to give myself- and make myself take- more advice that I used to freely give to the kids. Get over it and move on. It's going to take awhile to do, but every day that goes past, I feel a little stronger, a little more resourceful, a little more sure that I can do it. I am deeply grateful for the people out there who continue to pray for me and send me encouraging messages. Some days it's exactly what I need to keep going. Thanks.

Just For Today Nov. 30th reflection

From the NA Just For Today Text, my reflection following

November 30 - Sharing The Real Me

"Sharing with others keeps us from feeling isolated and alone." Basic Text pg. 81

Intimacy is the sharing of our innermost thoughts and feelings with another human being. Many of us long for the warmth and companionship intimacy brings, but those things don't come without effort. In our addiction, we learned to guard ourselves from others lest they threaten our using. In recovery, we learn how to trust others. Intimacy requires us to lower our defenses. To feel the closeness intimacy brings, we must allow others to get close to us - the real us.If we are to share our innermost selves with others, we must first have an idea of what those innermost selves are truly like. We regularly examine our lives to find out who we really are, what we really want, and how we really feel. Then, based on our regular inventories of ourselves, we must be as completely and consistently honest with our friends as we can be.Intimacy is a part of life, and therefore a part of living clean - and intimacy, like everything in recovery, has its price. The painstaking self-scrutiny intimacy calls for can be hard work. And the total honesty of intimacy often brings its own complications. But the freedom from isolation and loneliness that intimacy brings is well worth the effort.

Just for today: I seek the freedom from isolation and loneliness that intimacy brings. Today, I will get to know "the real me" by taking a personal inventory, and I will practice being completely honest with another person.
pg. 348

Being totally honest with others is a new concept for me, which is why I decided to challenge myself by being totally open in my writings online. I think it's helped me to become a healthier person, mentally and spiritually. I certainly feel better over the past few days, I've noticed. And even though I'm only on Step One, "working the steps" really helps. Getting to know "the real me" is a little scary, but it's a more hopeful and encouraging process than I anticipated.