Cravings

Today was a hard day.

First of all, let me share that I made it through the day without using, which brings me to two weeks of clean time (insert encouraging shout of praise here). But today was by far one of the hardest days I've had since I quit taking the pills. I kept having cravings- not so much my body, but my mind was telling me I needed some pills.

At first, when I examined how I felt and realized I wasn't in a lot of extra pain, I wasn't sure what to do. I was confused. Why did I feel such an urgent need for pills if there was no more pain in my body than usual? So I thought about how I felt, which just confused me more until I went to the meeting tonight. Now that I've been to a meeting, shared how I felt, and the day is almost over- I feel so much better.

The way that I was feeling- the one that just confused me more- it was boredom. I felt bored. And I just didn't understand that until I went to the meeting tonight and someone shared his point of view with me. He said for however long you were using, you were chasing a high and now you have to learn to live without that. There's a hole there, the same hole that was likely there before you started using in the first place, and it's going to take some real work to get to the root of it and close it up.

Truer words never spoken.

But at first I balked. I mean, yeah, "bored" was the first feeling I came up with too, but how could I be bored? I have three children home with me all or at least most of the time, and a fourth we're trying to parent long-distance. My day is full of diaper changes, Thomas the Tank Engine, PBS kids, and sippy cups. How did I have time to be bored? But after that person shared about chasing the high and filling a hole, it all made sense.

Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to do about it.