I made it. Thirty days without pills. Wow.
I am feeling so much better. Who knew? :)
Now I think it's time to start on some service work. People have been so great about supporting me and my family in this time that we've needed them. Now that I'm starting to feel my legs underneath me, I think it's time to start giving back. The NA Basic Text and Just For Today both highlight service work to be a wide range of activities- anything from helping around the house, to helping a friend, to jobs in the community. Without going to fast, I feel like I'm ready to start on all three. I've been able to handle more chores around the house, from dishes and laundry to caring for the kids on my own without help. Yesterday a friend of mine was in a bind and needed a sitter for her little ones, and even though I wasn't sure how I would take care of five kids at once, I jumped in and said yes- not out of guilt, but because I truly wanted to help her like she had helped me, and I really felt I could. And the day went great! I was so proud of myself (and it doesn't hurt that her kids are fantastic). I've also started sending out resumes... I really think I'm ready to get back into the working world. I'd like to do something in the nonprofit sector, something where I can work with people that really need help. Of course, my family really needs me to go to work- we need the second income again- but I really think I'm ready, and that's a great feeling. My pain is well controlled, I'm not so worried about not being able to go to work because of it.
Part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm worried that something will happen to send me spiralling back. I have a good home support system, but I don't have a great NA support system, the kind with contacts and a sponsor yet. I'm still trying to get one. But I'm feeling better, and that's huge for my thirty day mark. I'm hopeful that this new year will be a good one for me and my family.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Cravings
Today was a hard day.
First of all, let me share that I made it through the day without using, which brings me to two weeks of clean time (insert encouraging shout of praise here). But today was by far one of the hardest days I've had since I quit taking the pills. I kept having cravings- not so much my body, but my mind was telling me I needed some pills.
At first, when I examined how I felt and realized I wasn't in a lot of extra pain, I wasn't sure what to do. I was confused. Why did I feel such an urgent need for pills if there was no more pain in my body than usual? So I thought about how I felt, which just confused me more until I went to the meeting tonight. Now that I've been to a meeting, shared how I felt, and the day is almost over- I feel so much better.
The way that I was feeling- the one that just confused me more- it was boredom. I felt bored. And I just didn't understand that until I went to the meeting tonight and someone shared his point of view with me. He said for however long you were using, you were chasing a high and now you have to learn to live without that. There's a hole there, the same hole that was likely there before you started using in the first place, and it's going to take some real work to get to the root of it and close it up.
Truer words never spoken.
But at first I balked. I mean, yeah, "bored" was the first feeling I came up with too, but how could I be bored? I have three children home with me all or at least most of the time, and a fourth we're trying to parent long-distance. My day is full of diaper changes, Thomas the Tank Engine, PBS kids, and sippy cups. How did I have time to be bored? But after that person shared about chasing the high and filling a hole, it all made sense.
Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to do about it.
First of all, let me share that I made it through the day without using, which brings me to two weeks of clean time (insert encouraging shout of praise here). But today was by far one of the hardest days I've had since I quit taking the pills. I kept having cravings- not so much my body, but my mind was telling me I needed some pills.
At first, when I examined how I felt and realized I wasn't in a lot of extra pain, I wasn't sure what to do. I was confused. Why did I feel such an urgent need for pills if there was no more pain in my body than usual? So I thought about how I felt, which just confused me more until I went to the meeting tonight. Now that I've been to a meeting, shared how I felt, and the day is almost over- I feel so much better.
The way that I was feeling- the one that just confused me more- it was boredom. I felt bored. And I just didn't understand that until I went to the meeting tonight and someone shared his point of view with me. He said for however long you were using, you were chasing a high and now you have to learn to live without that. There's a hole there, the same hole that was likely there before you started using in the first place, and it's going to take some real work to get to the root of it and close it up.
Truer words never spoken.
But at first I balked. I mean, yeah, "bored" was the first feeling I came up with too, but how could I be bored? I have three children home with me all or at least most of the time, and a fourth we're trying to parent long-distance. My day is full of diaper changes, Thomas the Tank Engine, PBS kids, and sippy cups. How did I have time to be bored? But after that person shared about chasing the high and filling a hole, it all made sense.
Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to do about it.
Tip-toe Through the Twelve Steps
I'm reading the Basic Text and just finished the chapter about the Twelve Steps. In my humble opinion, there should be some sort of disclaimer at the beginning, like, "Could cause alarm" or "Be prepared to change your pants at multiple times." Or, at the very least, "You really CAN do this, other people have so it's reasonable to think you will too." It's so overwhelming when you read it all at once!
But I did read it and I started out on Step One. And I'm still on Step One.
I could be here for quite awhile.
Step One says, "We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable." The idea of admitting that I am powerless against something- I just can't do it (Am I powerless to admit that I am powerless? Hmm, something to think about...). In my heart, I know I can't control my use of certain pills, I could for awhile, but ultimately I just couldn't. It's the "I could for awhile" that keeps tripping me up. Also, using is a double-edged sword. I'm miserable when I use and miserable when I'm not. Granted, the miserable factor is decreasing (for the most part) now that it's been awhile since I've used. Some days the cravings are worse than ever, almost intolerable, and I just don't know what to do about them.
Gotta keep thinking about it.
But I did read it and I started out on Step One. And I'm still on Step One.
I could be here for quite awhile.
Step One says, "We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable." The idea of admitting that I am powerless against something- I just can't do it (Am I powerless to admit that I am powerless? Hmm, something to think about...). In my heart, I know I can't control my use of certain pills, I could for awhile, but ultimately I just couldn't. It's the "I could for awhile" that keeps tripping me up. Also, using is a double-edged sword. I'm miserable when I use and miserable when I'm not. Granted, the miserable factor is decreasing (for the most part) now that it's been awhile since I've used. Some days the cravings are worse than ever, almost intolerable, and I just don't know what to do about them.
Gotta keep thinking about it.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Health Teacher and Pill-Popper?
This is going to come up eventually, so I might as well face it head on.
In what feels like a whole other lifetime ago, I was a middle school health teacher. I had colleagues, a principal, conferences to attend, lunch duty and most importantly- students.
Oh, how I loved those kids.
To be honest, they drove me crazy on a regular basis, but I loved that too (and let's face it- as a great person once said, crazy for me is not so much a drive as it is a short putt). Most teachers might tell you that the thing they teach for is to see that "a ha" moment- the look that comes over a kid's face when he realizes he's finally understood something. Those moments were great, of course, but what I lived for was the banter with the kids. The steady hum of conversation that middle schoolers are so famous for- that's what I loved to hear, and when I was privileged to be included in it, even better.
And even if it does sound a little like bragging, I don't mind saying that I was a pretty good teacher. Honest as much as I felt they could understand at their age, funny when I could be (which was usually most of the time), creative in my assignments and assessments and welcoming of criticism from my colleagues and (gulp) principal. I was even a nationally certified health education specialist. I had some alphabet soup after my name and everything.
So how the heck did I go from all of that to what I am now- a recovering addict and alcoholic? I can think of a few poignant life events that certainly contributed to the milieu, births and deaths and such but really- it was just me. My personality, my way of dealing with life (or lack of a way of dealing with life) when the stress got to be overwhelming, not using the coping skills that I had ironically taught for so many years. It was just me.
And now I have to give myself- and make myself take- more advice that I used to freely give to the kids. Get over it and move on. It's going to take awhile to do, but every day that goes past, I feel a little stronger, a little more resourceful, a little more sure that I can do it. I am deeply grateful for the people out there who continue to pray for me and send me encouraging messages. Some days it's exactly what I need to keep going. Thanks.
In what feels like a whole other lifetime ago, I was a middle school health teacher. I had colleagues, a principal, conferences to attend, lunch duty and most importantly- students.
Oh, how I loved those kids.
To be honest, they drove me crazy on a regular basis, but I loved that too (and let's face it- as a great person once said, crazy for me is not so much a drive as it is a short putt). Most teachers might tell you that the thing they teach for is to see that "a ha" moment- the look that comes over a kid's face when he realizes he's finally understood something. Those moments were great, of course, but what I lived for was the banter with the kids. The steady hum of conversation that middle schoolers are so famous for- that's what I loved to hear, and when I was privileged to be included in it, even better.
And even if it does sound a little like bragging, I don't mind saying that I was a pretty good teacher. Honest as much as I felt they could understand at their age, funny when I could be (which was usually most of the time), creative in my assignments and assessments and welcoming of criticism from my colleagues and (gulp) principal. I was even a nationally certified health education specialist. I had some alphabet soup after my name and everything.
So how the heck did I go from all of that to what I am now- a recovering addict and alcoholic? I can think of a few poignant life events that certainly contributed to the milieu, births and deaths and such but really- it was just me. My personality, my way of dealing with life (or lack of a way of dealing with life) when the stress got to be overwhelming, not using the coping skills that I had ironically taught for so many years. It was just me.
And now I have to give myself- and make myself take- more advice that I used to freely give to the kids. Get over it and move on. It's going to take awhile to do, but every day that goes past, I feel a little stronger, a little more resourceful, a little more sure that I can do it. I am deeply grateful for the people out there who continue to pray for me and send me encouraging messages. Some days it's exactly what I need to keep going. Thanks.
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