What (or Who) Was That Again?

As it turns out, I am not a day counter.  As in, I can't say, "Oh it's been X days since I used."  I understand how that's helpful to some people, I'm just not one of them.  I'm at about three or four months without using, and counting that way is just a-ok with me.  Not without some serious bumps in the road, though.  And I'd totally be lying if I said I didn't think of the sweet (yet temporary) relief that swallowing a handful of pills would provide.  But I'm at a point where I don't want to go back to the way things were, and I think that in itself is a big step.

The latest hurdle I've had to overcome is seizures and hallucinations.  Since I had neither before, I am significantly freaked out.  Since I never know when the seizures will come on, I'm no longer a reliable parent to my little ones.  I need someone with me almost all the time to monitor ME.  Add the hallucinations into the mix (which are always of the kids, getting into something they shouldn't be into), this is one wild ride I'd like to get the hell off of;

I don't know what to do anymore.  When it was just me and the pills at least I felt some semblance of control.  I stopped taking the pills.  It was hard, incredibly hard, but I did it.  Now my body is rising in revolt, kind of like it's saying, "Oh, you didn't think it would be THAT easy, now did you?"  It feels like I have nothing in control, and I hate that.

To Smoke or Not To Smoke?

It seems ridiculous to want an addiction to take the place of an addiction, but that's the predicament I'm in. Or rather, the one I've put myself in. I'm sure there are people out there who are strong enough to beat this thing without trading one for another, but as I find myself mowing down on a box of donuts without reason, I find that I'm probably not one of them. I also notice that there are smoke breaks at twelve-step meetings for a reason. I wonder why alcohol is considered a drug (under NA meeting standards) when nicotine, which just as addictive, is not. Still, I am toying with the idea of picking up the habit.

Before you pick up the phone to call me and/or send me literature in the mail about all the awful things that can happen to people who smoke, let me remind you that I used to, in fact, be a health teacher, and I do happen to know better. I'll also remind you that that didn't stop me from swallowing truckloads of Vicodin, so feel free to tell me whatever will assauge your own conscience.

Still, not smelling like an ashtray is more appealing to me than the potential drug-craving-curbing benefits. Fortunately, with advances in today's medicine, there are ways to get the "benefits" of smoking without the smoky aftertaste. Nicotine gum and lozenges are available for an exhorbanant fee. Still, the majority of NAers that I've spoken to that have gone this route have been happy with their choice. A few have cautioned me about the extreme addictive quality of nicotine... maybe the consensus is that nicotine is the lesser of two evils? Step One identifies this as a cross addiction. I guess the reason it's not as bad as the other substances (for most people) is that a "bad" addiction has to interfere with your daily living to be a problem, you have to be in danger of neglecting your children, etc. I know people that can't go more than an hour without a cigarette, which seems to qualify as interfering with daily living, but I think the qualifications are talking about something more extreme, like nodding out while driving, or leaving your kids unattended while you run to get more drugs.

I will be really honest with all of you, because you have always been so supportive of me. I have already started using nicotine lozenges over the past few weeks to help with drug cravings, and I feel like they really help. I realize this could be a dangerous precedent to set, but I'm not sure what else to do. I would really like everyone's feedback on this- and honest feedback, not just the whatever-you-think-is-best kind. Thanks.

"Instant Gratification, Much?"

Those that know me know that I have little to no patience when it comes to waiting for things sometimes. Christmas as a kid was the longest month ever, of course, but unlike most adults (but not unlike most addicts) I never grew out of it. That's not to say that anyone whose ever gotten frustrated at a red light is in danger of picking up a crack pipe, but it is one of the key personality traits that all addicts share... the need for instant gratification.

I wish I knew why this was. In addition to learning valuable insights about myself, I could make a fortune! :)

Seriously, something in the way an addict's brain is wired (or re-wired, or however you choose to think about it) makes it seek the easiest route to happiness, be damned the consequences. I mean, I'm a college-educated health teacher! If anyone knows the dangers of using drugs, it's me! So how did I get caught up in abusing my own prescription drugs, especially when I knew it was bad for me and wrong?

I'll tell you. It's pretty simple. It felt good. And it was the easiest way to feel good. I kept trying to improve my mood the right way, feel good, feel better- hell, just feel normal, like I thought life should feel like (I was aiming for anything above "dog shit" most days) and just not getting there. Finally, at the end, when I dared to take a few more pills than I knew was right.... wooooooosh. I got it. Life was fine- good even! That is, on the days (or hours) I wasn't falling asleep in the middle of a conversation or while changing a diaper. But then there were other times I felt like I had tons of energy, and I never wanted to sleep again, and I could finally DO all those things that I never had the energy to do before. It was awesome! Bills were filed, lists were made (and crossed off), areas organized. Again, good until I crashed in the middle of it all. Not to mention the stress it all put on my husband, who was in bed alone for the millionth night in a row wondering why in the hell I was color-coding our cell phone bills at 3am.

I am learning to settle for delayed gratification in my new, clean world now. To be honest, most days it really sucks. That's not to say that I'm in danger of relapsing or wanting to take pills all the time... it just means that it sucks having to wait to get what you want. But I'm learning to do it, one day at a time.

I am an addict. I know without a doubt now that I am. I can never take another painkiller again, no matter what the reason. What I almost lost is too precious to let hang in the balance again.



*Thanks to Kate from ITR for the title of this blog post :) Hang in there! One day, one minute, one second at a time!