As it turns out, I am not a day counter. As in, I can't say, "Oh it's been X days since I used." I understand how that's helpful to some people, I'm just not one of them. I'm at about three or four months without using, and counting that way is just a-ok with me. Not without some serious bumps in the road, though. And I'd totally be lying if I said I didn't think of the sweet (yet temporary) relief that swallowing a handful of pills would provide. But I'm at a point where I don't want to go back to the way things were, and I think that in itself is a big step.
The latest hurdle I've had to overcome is seizures and hallucinations. Since I had neither before, I am significantly freaked out. Since I never know when the seizures will come on, I'm no longer a reliable parent to my little ones. I need someone with me almost all the time to monitor ME. Add the hallucinations into the mix (which are always of the kids, getting into something they shouldn't be into), this is one wild ride I'd like to get the hell off of;
I don't know what to do anymore. When it was just me and the pills at least I felt some semblance of control. I stopped taking the pills. It was hard, incredibly hard, but I did it. Now my body is rising in revolt, kind of like it's saying, "Oh, you didn't think it would be THAT easy, now did you?" It feels like I have nothing in control, and I hate that.
